Janet Fondue's Toaster: A Short Story

Emma is very keen on the light blue toaster, has more or less committed to it. It has a crumb tray and comes with a sandwich cage rack, which she doesn’t need and will probably never use, but it is always nice to have options.  The reviews are good. ‘Easy to clean. Nice handle action. The bars heat and cool quickly.’ Five stars all round, except for that two-star review from Janet Fondue. It has skewed the average rating, and she has not left a reason why, just the rather ominous comment; ‘Don’t’ buy this product.’

Bill Hadley is ‘delighted’ with the toaster. Mornings have become something to look forward to again, claims Paul Cleeves. Kitty Grace says it creates the perfect crunch and Sarah Goldfinch loves the ‘little light that flashes.’ There is not a single part of the toaster ('lightweight, for those that like me, like to keep it in the cupboard' – Mavis Brown), but sturdy ('well made parts' – Martin Irving) that has not been praised, so why can’t Emma commit to the ‘buy now’ option? Why won’t her finger click the mouse? If Emma were to go to a shop to buy a toaster, she wouldn’t have this problem. She’d just take it to the till and hand over her money. She would be in and out within minutes. Her new toaster strapped into to the passenger seat like a pet. She would pat it as she turned the corner.

Janet Fondue’s opinion of the toaster means no more than Bill’s or Kitty’s or Mavis’ or Martin’s. There is no reason for Emma to think twice on it. The toaster is perfect. A four slice in a lovely sky blue, which will match the kettle and the tray with the Swallows on. It is within budget, just, and can even be delivered tomorrow, which is a boon because Emma does like to make toast in the morning and late evening. Sandwich her day with a slice of wholemeal. She’s been missing her small but perfect routine. First, unravelling the bag, (that delightful twirling loaf) and then the scent, a tangy, sweet yeast. Emma misses pushing down the lever. How the two-minutes become a race. Can she also wash out the pot, boil the kettle? Whizz through the washing up? Put a load in the machine, all before the ping?

Emma always makes four slices, because one of the kids will invariably want toast too. Will say they don’t but then eat hers. Emma likes her toast hot, butter melted. Janey likes hers cold and chewy, marmite marbled atop the butter. Tom likes jam, so thick that it oozes, red and bloody, from either side of the toast, from his mouth.  

Emma takes off her glasses. Rubs hers eyes. Buying a new toaster is one of many tasks, all incomplete. And how Emma likes to complete things. Can think of little else more satisfying than that bird wing symbol next to a completed task. Emma likes to exaggerate the upward swoop. The freedom of something being done! Of her achieving, in some small way, a modicum of control is this erratic, unreliable world. Emma tips her head back, rolls her shoulders. Turns on the little light. Wipes her glasses and looks again at Janet Fondue’s comment. 'Don’t buy this product.' What does Janet know that Emma doesn’t? How is she so self-assured? So confident about making such a statement so publicly. Is she not worried the manufacturer will get in touch? Emma presses on Janet’s name, lands on a page full of her other reviewed products. Pepper grinder. Four stars. 'Looks great and works well. There is one design issue that needs to be worked around; the top doesn’t screw on, it’s a friction fit. Fine as long as you remember not to carry them by the top.'

Toenail clippers. ‘Sharp. Fancy box. Purchased in hope long handle would help arthritic hips.’ She’s older then, this Janet Fondue. Needs ergonomic solutions. Digital kitchen timer. Four stars. ‘Very simple to operate, works perfectly, tactile and looks great. What’s not to like? This is an excellent product (assuming it lasts).‘

Ah, but what’s this? 100 UHT Long Life Semi Skimmed milk 12ml portions. Five stars. ‘Well packaged, arrived very quickly and without damage. A repeat purchase, first time round was just as good. Used for tea, both camping and as a work standby if the ‘proper’ milk runs out. Flavour is good.‘ She is still well enough to camp then. With whom, Emma wonders. Her aging husband? A new and improved one with additional features and upgrades? Emma thinks of her own husband. Ex-husband now, Emma. No longer yours. Someone else’s. She thinks of the Amazon review she would have written for him. ‘Arrived promptly. Slightly damaged box. Good working parts but prone to breaking down with no warning. Will leave you suddenly, mid-shower in fact. Will take your Blondie record and half the saucepans. Your dignity and your toaster and your ability to make any decision again.’

An hour has been lost to the darkest of online stalking. Emma is deep into Janet Fondue now. Kiwi Shoe Polish. Five Stars. ‘The world is a very different place from 20 years ago. Work from home culture, don’t wear suits in the office anymore, don’t often see polished shoes. Properly polished shoes! Can’t get Kiwi Parade Gloss Black (or indeed any other) in the shops anymore. Is this cause or effect? Either way, grateful to be able to buy online. If you have black leather shoes that you polish, this is the definitive product. Get it while you can!’ Was the polish for Janet or her husband, Emma wonders. Did Janet polish his shoes for him? Lay them out on newspaper, slide her hand where his feet walked and buff up his corners? This review, like so many of Janet’s, is eloquent. Impassioned. Get it while you can! What happened to you, Janet Fondue?

Feagar Gel Seat Cushion for Back Pain - Orthopedic Non-Slip Memory Foam Coccyx Cushion for Tailbone Relief Sciatica Hemorrhoid, Office Chair Cushions Wheelchair, Kitchen Chairs, Recliner, Car Seats. Five stars. ‘Bought for husband for a delicate problem and he really likes it. Only problem is he needs it to call out and remind him to take it with him when going out in a car and to bring it back with him after driving. Oh well, I guess he needs three!!!’ I see now, Janet, Emma thinks. Things started changing after the camping trip then. Maybe it was his ‘delicate problem.’ Perhaps Janet had to set up the tent all by herself and make the tea? What tea though? Emma scrolls on.

New English Teas Vintage Victorian Powder-Blue Tea Caddy with 40 Decaffeinated English Breakfast Teabags. Five stars. ‘Ceylon is my favourite type of tea since I was given some loose as a gift. Tea bags really are easier though, so these are my number one choice. Last month my sister-in-law visited from Italy and she also liked it so I had to give her what I had, of course! We both love the tins as well! Perfect for Asda's digestives!’

Ah Janet, how you give yourself away. You are spilling your tea all over the internet. Emma feels a sudden urge to know her. To call her. To pop round with Ceylon and biscuits. To make Janet a cuppa with fresh milk. To sit her down and cut her toenails for her. Emma used to do her dad’s and his feet looked like prehistoric creatures, but she never minded. Emma has always found beauty in endurance. The dented tin, the tarnished pot. The way her dad’s toe strayed into the territory of the toe next door, like his feet lived in a storm. Emma has never been worried about hard work. Potatoes grow, glow like bones, deep in the marrow of the earth. No light, no direction. Emma believed the lines about sickness and health. About only death parting her and her husband. She believed in endurance, ship be damned.

Janet did too it seems. Those toenail clippers were not for her. Nor the Seba Garden Sun Dried Unsulphured Turkish Apricots in Resalable Bag, 1kg - No preservative, Non GMO. Five stars. ‘Love that they are unsulphured and organic and have a great taste, hydrated or as they come!’ They were not for you Janet, but to help your husband’s delicate problem, weren’t they? And the Leukoplast Classic Dressing Fixation Tape - High Adhesive Medical Tape to Fix Wound Dressings in Place - 1 x 5m x 1.25cm Tape Roll. That five-star review. ‘These are the only plasters my husband will use. He has insisted that these stick far better than any others we have tried. I hate to admit he is right, but he is! I recently had three on fingers on my left hand and they got wet many times but all three would still have stuck on after three days!’ Why did you need three plasters Janet? What did he do to you? And why did they keep getting wet?

Emma scrolls slowly, sadly backwards up to the toaster review. Do not buy this product. Do not buy this life. Sits for a minute with the little yellow lamp beaming down on her hand, alien and strange curved over the mouse, then she turns off the laptop. Goes downstairs and turns on the grill. Slides in four slices. Does nothing as the bars go red, as the smell rises. She just watches, waiting to flip it over, waiting until it is done.