Going Underground: A Short Scripted Scene

A light breeze. Sounds of birds tweeting, spades in earth, panting and puffing.

Gravedigger 1: Thirsty weather.

Gravedigger 2: Ain’t it just? Hoping to finish in time for a swift one before home.

Gravedigger 1: Well, it don’t need to be much deeper, does it?

Gravedigger 2: Nah, that’ll be fine. Let’s fill ‘er up.

They continue panting, puffing and shovelling soil. The most recently deceased person in the graveyard wakes up.

Most Recently Deceased: Oh God! What’s this? I don’t think I’m supposed to be here, am I? Did I die wrong? I bet I died wrong. Oh how Bill would love this. He said I couldn’t find my way out a wet paper bag and look at me now. Is this it?

Florrie: It’s alright ducky. You’ve not died wrong.

Most Recently Deceased: Who are you? Why am I here? Is Mum here? Are you here, Mum? I was supposed to be buried in the family plot.

Richard: Ah, about that... There was a bit of mix up. The Parish Council lost the plans. I’m afraid we’ve been buried any old how. I’m Richard by the way.

Most Recently Deceased: What do you mean, lost the plans? Who am I in with?

All of the graveyard occupants introduce themselves at once.

Most Recently Deceased: What fresh hell is this?! That four-year battle with cancer only for this to happen after?

Florrie’s Husband: I bet you thought you’d be in heaven, didn’t you?

Most Recently Deceased: Well, yes - I did actually. Is there no God then?

Florrie’s Husband: Why don’t you ask Vicar Anthony about that?

Most Recently Deceased: What, there’s a vicar down here? Why didn’t he introduce himself first?

Florrie’s Husband: He’s embarrassed. Aren’t you, Anthony?

Father Anthony: How many more times can I say sorry? I’m as upset as you. Think of the all the sex I could have had. And that bloody black coat. Made all the other colours in the wash grey. Did I tell you I once..

Richard: Turned down a threesome in the Confessional box? Only a thousand times.

Florrie: [Singing] Lavender's blue, dilly dilly….

Most Recently Deceased: Is this all that happens then?

Richard: Yup.

Florrie’s Husband: Thanks to you, ya daft shite. Ask him where the plans are. Go on, ask him.

Most Recently Deceased: Um, where are the plans?

Richard: In my pocket. I used to keep them upon my person for safety.

Florrie’s Husband: Tell her what you did then, you great lunk.

Richard: Well. I, may have tripped on my way back from a Parish Council meeting that ran late in the church and... um..

Florrie’s Husband: He fell into a recently dug grave. Being the sad bastard he is, no one noticed him missing.

Richard: I starved, I’ll have you know! I knew I shouldn’t have bought those green bananas. I was challenging death to a duel.

Most Recently Deceased: And so they buried you, in your clothes, with the plans? Didn’t even check your pockets?

Richard: Apparently, I had a problem with body odour. No one told me when I was alive. Seems they didn’t want to undress me. I’m lucky I got a coffin at all. Probably a faulty one.

Most Recently Deceased: Wow. That’s awful.

Richard: Don’t feel sorry for me, best thing that ever happened. I never had any friends after my ferret died. It’s quite fun down here, I feel like one of the Bash Street Kids.

Florrie’s Husband: I’d bash you if I could.

Florrie: Now now, stop that Harry, you’ll set off your blood pressure.

Florrie’s Husband: I’m dead! How can high blood pressure kill me now? In fact, I wish it bloody would. Forty-five years of marriage. All I wanted was some bloody peace and quiet. Now thanks to your balls-up, Dicky, I’m stuck on top of the old trouble and strife for eternity.

Florrie: Is that the bell?

Most Recently Deceased: What bell?

Florrie: The church bell. It rings for lunch. That’s how we know the time.

Most Recently Deceased: And we need to know the time because…?

Florrie: I like to imagine having a cup of tea and a biscuit.

Florrie’s husband snorts.

The bell rings again. Florrie and the most recently deceased both sigh.

Florrie: [Tearfuly] I miss biscuits so much, especially those nice minty ones. And cheese triangles..

Florrie’s Husband: No. Not the list of things you miss. Don’t start this. For the love of God, woman.

Father Anthony: There is no God.

Fairfax: I can hold my tongue no longer. Nay, I shall not be silent this grave day. I have played mute witness to your tawdry confessions and indulgent lamentations for many a waxing moon, and I have reserved judgement. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Father Anthony: John. Chapter 8, verse 7.

Fairfax: You know your Bible, good fellow.

Father Anthony: Yes, sadly. I wish I’d spent the time reading Mills & Boon instead, frankly.

Fairfax: I know not of these new prophets, nor will I now. My cast has been dyed. I am to stay here, eternally pinned to the earth with only the banality of your confabulations to pass the time.

Most Recently Deceased: Time is like, not time at all.

Fairfax: Speak not, insolent.

Florrie: [High pitched and breathless] Oh he sounds just like Heathcliff.

Layla: He does. [She sings] "It’s me, I'm Cathy, I've come home, I'm so cold…. Let me in your window…"