I knew it was going to be a bad day when the first thing I did was wee on the cord of my dressing gown. I didn’t realise until I was walking downstairs and wondered what the cold, wet thing slapping against my leg was... “Ah, it’s my dressing gown cord, covered in my own urine.”
I tried to cheer myself up by making a lovely pot of leaf tea, but the lid came off and hot, thick tea, like molten lava, spewed from the top and burnt my hand.
“What does that word mean mummy?”
So I wet myself when I laugh. There, I said it. Not loads, but enough that when people say “You’ll pee yourself laughing” I think “God, does it show?” It’s not just when I laugh either. I dread hay fever season, where I can be overcome with a sudden bout of sneezing and no time to cross my legs.
It’s my fault really. When the health visitor came round after I brought my first daughter home, she told me it would happen.
So according to an article in the Express, three is the magic number when it comes to having children. This is despite some parents describing a third child as ‘an indulgence’ and ‘the equivalent of a third wheel: unnecessary, unwieldy, and surplus to requirements’.
Mums of three children tend to be more stressed than mums of two they claim. Well knock me down with a feather. Mums of four however, are less stressed than mums of three as they have gone so far past the point of control, they learn to just roll with the punches. How comforting, yet slightly confusing.
Mostly, I enjoy being a mum. My kids say cute things and find me really funny. They don’t care what I look like or judge me for still having sugar in my tea. Yes they are messy and watch truly awful TV, but they make life interesting.
Except when they argue. And god do my girls argue.
So this year I resolved that I was no longer going to be the mum who looked like she had been dug up on the school run. I was NOT going to be the late, sweaty, shouting, swearing woman dropping poo bags and fluffy polo's and 'Sorry I forgot your reading bag, dinner money, PE kit, homework, shoes' any longer.
This year I was going to take the power back.