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Well Kate, you are a mother and in your arms is your longed for baby. Congratulations. I’ve put together some top tips on how to cope in those first, precious days after giving birth.

1: Ask people to bring their own tea, in their own mug. (The Queen may want to bring a cup and saucer and her own teapot made of gold.) 

Visitors drink a lot of tea. They never want to make it. They want to sit and cuddle the lovely baby while you make it.
Chances are your ‘princess-parts’ will be sore and getting up is hard even with the inflatable cushion that you will have sent Prince Wills out to buy from ASDA in the middle of the night.
As soon as visitors have drunk all the tea and eaten all the biscuits you are surviving on to get through breastfeeding, they will leave.
They will probably wake the baby up as they go, so you’ll be left with a crying baby who wants feeding, no biscuits to eat and a pile of washing up to do.
Make them take all the wrapping paper debris from presents with them too actually. It’s nothing but a pain.

2: Don’t let your guests wear scent.

They will all want to nuzzle your baby’s head and he or she will end up smelling like a tart’s handbag.
The only way to get rid of the smell is to bathe them (the baby, not the guests. They can bathe themselves. Except perhaps the Queen. Someone probably does that for her). 
Bathing a newborn baby is a bit like trying to hold on to a piece of wet soap.
It’s possibly the most stressful thing you will ever have done prior to giving birth.
Then after you have bathed the baby, you will need to somehow get their arms and legs into the correct sockets of babygro’s and all-in-one-suits as they thrash and cry and shiver.

3: Then they will want feeding.
I can’t imagine it’s much fun trying to latch a baby on the boob with the Queen in the room.
Do you have to stand up each time she does? Because mastering the ‘walking-breastfeed’ takes a while.
If you do choose to breastfeed, pulling your top up is a great way of getting (most) people to leave.
I’m sure Philip will say something hideously politically incorrect before he does so however.

4: Everyone will want to give you advice, so be careful who you ask. 
You may end up more confused than ever. Here’s the basics.
Yes, black poo to start with is very normal, as is them not pooing for days on end.
Cold cabbage leaves (uncooked!) in your bra is great for sore boobs before your milk comes in.
Slather cracked nipples in Lansinoh cream (You probably won’t want Wills to do this for you, but if he is anything like my husband, he will offer to.)
Feeding every half an hour is perfectly normal.

5: If you feel like eating cake, do it. 
Don’t feel under pressure to get back to your former glamorous self too quickly (or in my case, ever).
Do all the things that feel right for you, be it baby-wearing, breastfeeding – whatever.
It’s your baby (for now, one day it will be the King so enjoy them while you can.)

6: Try and get a couple of photos with you and the baby in them.
I have no photos of me and mine, just millions, taken by me, of everyone else under the sun holding them.
To be fair, OK Magazine will probably sort you out on this one.

7: Be bloody proud of yourself.
Even being a Duchess won’t make pushing something ‘the size of a watermelon out a hole the size of a SMALL lemon’ easy.