So, to be really cool and unique parents, we took our children to LEGO LAND. I wasn’t mad for it, but my mates were coming, and everything is always funny when they are there. We woke up late. The car didn’t work. We got stuck in traffic for two hours. I was in charge of the map, so took us the scenic route and we arrived at 12pm, hungry, cold and cross.
We were sent to park in a field in a different county, so it took another 45 minutes to get to the queue. The theme for this week’s column is the letter ‘Q’. It’s all we did, literally. We queued to get in. We queued for the loo. We queued to get my bag checked. Then we found our friends, who were in a queue. They waited for sixty-minutes for a ride that took sixty seconds.
It was the kind of cold that make you want to keep your hands in your pockets and your hood up. The kind of cold my children called ‘hot’, so I walked round clutching coats and hats and scarves like the abominable snowman and was still cold. We queued to get hot chocolate, to find they had sold out. We queued for rides that weren’t open. We queued half an hour for the free lunch included in our ticket and then gave up, sucking on humbugs for sustenance. Bah.
We queued two hours for the Ninjago ride. Lines of irritated parents and kids needing wees, snaking round and round. Every time we turned a corner we thought we were going to be at the beginning of the ride. More queue awaited us. The people in front of us has the right idea. They were in all mountain climbing gear and had bananas in their pockets, which they ate approximately an hour in. Their planning was admirable, but their lack of children was slightly disturbing.
By the time we finally got to the front of the ‘ride of your life’ some of our party were in tears. They’d peaked at the bottom of the third staircase, became frightened and wanted to go back. We got into two carriages and spent two minutes going past giant TV screens. The aim of the game was to ‘kung fu’ chop the baddies with your hands. No one told me you had to use a forward motion. I waved my arms around like a 16-year-old who’d dropped his first pill at a rave. I scored 16 points and got nothing but cramp.
I was supposed to be a 4D experience. The carriage moved slightly but that was it. I could have saved myself hundreds of pounds by staying at home and spinning my kids round on the office chair while they played Nintendo Wii.